Adventures in Mental Health Part 2.

Another multiple month hiatus – but that was definitely to be expected with the brutal semester I just finished. So here is the second part to my last post!

The Process

I initially had difficulties finding a company to perform a psychological assessment without a referral, and also because apparently most assessments are performed on children/youths to diagnose learning disabilities… which is not at all what I was looking for. But I ended up finding a company that matched me with a psychologist named Ashley to perform my assessment (she was awesome).

The process itself took all summer and involved a series of 2-3 hour meetings with Ashley where she asked a lot of difficult questions. She dug into my history, my childhood, my present day life. We talked about traumatic events – things that I didn’t even realize were traumatic to me until I brought them up to her – and she asked about my past experiences with depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies.

The sessions also included some standardized tests used to assist in diagnosing mental illnesses and personality disorders, but they were pretty minimal. Some of the tests were completed with Ashley administering them, but I was also given a couple take home tests that I brought completed to our next session.

The Revelation

The process of the psychological assessment was more impactful and emotionally difficult than the result itself. The questions Ashley asked me, and the digging we did into my past and feelings, left me feeling raw and opened my eyes to certain things that have occurred to me over my lifetime…

…I didn’t know that a number of events in my life constituted as abuse.

At one point during the assessment Ashley outright asked me “have you ever been abused?” and my answer was no – at that time I did not believe I ever had been. But the more she questioned, the more I started to realize…

“Do you know what gaslighting is?”

“Have you ever explicitly stated you did or did not want something – as in setting a boundary – only to have a person blatantly and purposely violate your boundaries?”

“Do you feel a lot of guilt for things you do and do not do?”

“Have you ever been manipulated into doing something or going somewhere you didn’t want to?”

“Have you ever had sexual contact you did not consent to?”

All of these questions really opened my eyes to what abuse really is, and how a shocking amount of experiences and relationships I’ve had (both romantic and platonic) contained rampant emotional abuse.

This revelation left me incredibly angry and confused for a number of months… angry that so many people I’ve loved and trusted throughout my lifetime betrayed me continuously; angry that I continue to have to see some of these abusers (not often, thankfully); angry that there is nothing I can do about what’s happened, and nothing I can do to make these people understand what they’ve done.

I’m also really angry to discover that events I haven’t thought about in years, that I wrote off as “haha he was just drunk it’s no big deal” were actually sexual assault! Awesome. Better childhood education would’ve curbed that realization earlier… and probably kept instances like that from happening.

The Diagnosis

Ultimately, after all the testing and questioning was done, I received my diagnosis: Recurring Major Depressive Disorder characterized by Anxious Affect, meaning I have recurring major depressive episodes (shocking), but I don’t actually have any anxiety disorders – I just get the physical symptoms associated with anxiety (sweatiness, flushing, heart palpitations, insomnia, dry mouth, etc.) when any strong emotions become elevated. This is actually good to know, because a few years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and working through therapy to actively combat it and lessen its negative impact on my life.

The other interesting part of my diagnosis was I have clinically significant psychosis (yes, this means I am clinically psychotic), but it’s a result of the bullshit I’ve had to put up with over the years. So apparently it’s fine and nothing to worry about… cool I guess?

The Impact

I sought a psychological assessment for personal reasons, not for any legal or work related issues – which is apparently very common because I had to disclose that on the intake form. I wanted to understand exactly why I feel the way I do, why my symptoms seem to have worsened over the first half of the year, and how I can manage or eradicate them going forward. The process was worth while, and I recommend anyone struggling with recurring mental health issues do the same.

The most impactful takeaway from the entire thing was that my on-going issues and recent diagnosis are a direct result of my formative years: my childhood, my upbringing, and the way I was treated during that time. At one point during the final session with Ashley, she said something along the lines of:

“No one deserves what you’ve had to go through.”

And I started crying.

She is the first person in my entire life to tell me I don’t deserve to be treated poorly. It’s weird to realize you’ve never actually heard that from anyone. Although I’ve known it subconsciously my whole life, hearing someone say it out loud really changed the way I view myself, my situations, and my depression.

The Future

Ashley provided me with a list of psychologists she recommends that specialize in types of therapy to address my specific issues, because apparently Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (the type of therapy I was in for a few years previously) won’t work on me anymore. Apparently some people can reach a point where their brains will “outsmart” previously learned coping mechanisms and therapy tools, and that’s where my brain is now. Unfortunately I don’t have the resources to attend any more therapy at the moment, so that will wait for the future.

Luckily, as a result of the assessment process, I am better able to differentiate my depression from my own self – when I am in the midst of a depressive episode, or having physical symptoms of anxiety, I am able to recognize this from an external point of view (but still internal because… well… I’m thinking it in my own head) and tell myself it’s just the depression. This also works when my emotions are bordering on being out of control, or intrusive thoughts creep into my head, which is positive.

My episodes are becoming more manageable. They also happen less frequently.

I am beginning to like myself (turns out I had absolutely rock-bottom self esteem and NO feelings of self worth).

I’ve started calling people out on their behaviour. I tell people when they treat me poorly and distance myself from those that do. It’s easier to recognize these days too.

I will still be pursuing professional therapy, but I am happy to report that just being aware of and acknowledging my depression and where it comes from has started me on a batter path to happiness…. Hopefully.